It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, so I finally took the time to find, illegally download, and then upload an ad I’ve been itching to give my badvertising stamp of disapproval. Here it is, Nescafe’s 3 in 1 thirty second TV spot.
Seriously, what in God’s name was that? First thing’s first, I’ll start with the product. Are there really people who buy this shit? I mean, I don’t drink coffee, but if I did, I would certainly try to drink nice coffee, and I’d probably drink it quite strong what with milk tasting like bums and all. What we have here, is a packet that not only contains instant coffee granules, but powered milk too, and as an absurd addition, Nescafe have also decided that everyone should be drinking their coffee with sugar! It’s probably to try and mask the overall taste of rubbish, but it’s a bit forward of them isn’t it? What if I didn’t like sugar in my coffee? That means that I’d have to find some regular coffee granules, and some milk, while whichever one of over the hill ‘trying to be 20, but are actually mid 30’s’ nob gets to enjoy their cup of instant shit. Just to clarify this one, and for my own peace of mind; do you drink it? No, I didn’t think you did.
Let’s move onto the strategy. ‘Get the morning back on track’. It’s not exactly all bad so far. They could have gone down any narrative at all with that line. The student waking up late for a lecture, and not having enough time to make a proper cup of coffee before college. The office man having a crappy morning, and his ‘oh I’m so totally in love with her’ office crush makes him a lovely cup of instant mess to cheer him up. Heck, even the ‘I’m genuinely hung over and this is a complete and utter guilty pleasure’ route would have worked better than this. What we are presented with, is something that tries to be the ‘hangover cure’, but messes up completely in it’s presentation and delivery.
Let’s go through the ad. There’s been a party. Woman #1 is staring out of the window aimlessly until Man #1 walks down stairs. They’ve obviously noshed the shit out of each other the night before, and are trying to work out if they regret it or not. Meanwhile, Woman #2, still completely off her face from whatever drug she was spit-balling the night before is having a bad comedown, until she stumbles upon some nicely stacked sachets of Nescafe’s 3 in 1. She makes a few cups and takes it over to Man #1 and Woman #1 (what about the rest of the people in the flat you selfish cow!). Strange love triangle? Maybe. Everyone drinks down their cup of instant tosh and feels brilliant again! Some nob plays a guitar, Man #1 hands his fuck buddy some form of rose probably made out of a used condom packet, and Woman #2 has obviously found a secret stash of crack or whatever it was she was taking the night before, and decided to drop it all.
The problem I have with this ad, apart from it looking like it was written by some one who has never actually been to a party and assumes that this is what the aftermath would look like, is that ‘mornings after the night before’ really don’t happen like that. They just don’t. When I’m hungover, I usually wake up, urinate for a good five minutes, and immediately get back into bed. If I have guests, I try to socialise without moving my head that much because I’ll probably have a cracking headache. You know, the ones where it feels like your brain is trying to escape. I’d wait a few minutes and then go for a cigarette (not any more though, four days ‘full’ cigarette free!), and a cold can of diet coke. After about three hours or so of whining about how rotten I feel and a couple of goes trying to muster up some courage to get dressed, I’ll wander off in search of food.
The last thing I want any where in that morning ritual is some overly sweet cup of instant coffee forced into my hand. I mean, I’m not exactly the target audience as I don’t like coffee, but I’m sure that if I did, I still wouldn’t want to drink that. I’d be hard pressed to drink it if it was the last thing in the entire house, and for some reason the taps stopped working, and all we had was a kettle full of hot water. Shit, that’s a better route than the one they’ve tried to accomplish! Nescafe 3 in 1; For when there’s literally nothing else to drink. I really don’t understand the product here. Basically, it’s lazy coffee for people who are too lazy to make instant coffee. I mean, how fucking lazy can one person be! “What, you want me to pour my own milk, and then judge how much sugar I’m going to want? Get to fuck! That’s way too much effort. If only there were a sachet to fulfil all of my wildest dreams, so I literally don’t have to do anything. In fact, I don’t even want to boil the kettle. Someone bring me a fucking starbucks!”
I despair. I really do. I realise now that I don’t know if I dislike the advert because it’s rubbish or not (it is), or because I really don’t see the need for the product. The agency behind the ad (McCann-Erickson, at least that’s what google tells me) has actually ran a few belters in it’s time, so I don’t know how they managed to drop the ball on this one. Either way, this abomination is taking pride and place in my When Advertising Goes Wrong series, and I’m sure some of you will agree. Well, those with taste any way.