Cocktails. A drink for any discerning gentleman or lady. A perfect excuse to sip pink, fruity drinks from a tall glass, all under the shade of a tiny umbrella. You don’t even lose any ‘man’ points if you’re worried about that kind of thing; “It’s alright guys, I’m just doing it for the missus”, “I saw it on that sex and the city in-between Samantha getting her boobs out, and Carrie having a cry”….or if you’re like me, you’re drinking them because they taste just lovely.
I’m a big fan of cocktails. Well, I’m a big fan of some cocktails. I’m still searching for the perfect Long Island Iced Tea. At the moment, the top two I’ve managed to sample are Simple in the Northern Quarter, and a strange bar in New York City. I do occasionally enjoy the odd Tom Collins when I’m in the mood to cry about the lack of love for my shoes, and I also tend to grab a Mojito when I can’t be fussed with the intense amount of spirits in a Long Island Iced Tea.
Knowing this, at Christmas, my mother bought a special present. I’m sure it seemed like an amazing idea at the time, and I can’t fault her effort in trying to bring the family a little bit of extra Christmas cheer, but upon closer inspection, I can’t help but become dubious. In fact, after an even closer look, I’m sure this wasn’t going to go down well.
As we all know, a good mojito is made with lime, brown sugar, mint and dark/gold rum which is then muddled. From then, it’s topped up with a hell of a lot of ice, and either lemonade, soda, or just nothing. Sounds good? That’s because it bloody is. Sainsburys can’t mess this up can they? It seems pretty simple. Now then… Let’s take a look at that ‘ingredients’ list.
Hmm. Double HHhhhmmmmm. It’s definitely ‘intriguing’ all right. I’m going to start swearing now, and I apologise in advance. I think I’m heavily justified though. I mean, for starters, who the fuck puts wine in a mojito? I think we’re into the ‘this is definitely not a mojito, stop getting your hopes up’ territory. Along with wine spirit, and ‘white rum’, we’re also rocking concentrated lime juice and mint ‘flavouring’. It doesn’t actually include mint, just flavoured by mint. Concentrated lime juice; not just a squeeze of lime, concentrated lime juice. This ingredients list already left the family in fits of laughter over the table, but it wasn’t the worst thing by far. That was reserved for the taste. Excuse me while I take another sip.
Oh god. I can’t even begin to describe how disgusting that is. I don’t like wine, so it upsets me that the only thing I can taste is just that. Why the hell does my Mojito taste like wine? THAT’S NOT A FUCKING MOJITO. A REAL MOJITO DOESN’T HAVE WINE IN IT. It tastes like bad wine at that, with a faint after taste of lime. My mother was certain that it tasted like mint toothpaste, and I can see where she’s coming from, but my palate tasted nothing but wine. Either way, it definitely doesn’t work as a cocktail. Shit, it doesn’t even work as a drink. Shenanigans Sainsburys. Shenanigans.
This stuff is everything that’s wrong with ‘Booze Britain’. I wouldn’t like to meet the people who bought this, enjoyed it, and haven’t actually had the privilege to taste a real mojito. The proper drink would actually blow their socks off. They’re smooth, crisp and incredibly refreshing. This, definitely isn’t. I can distinctly remember gagging, quite hard too. That’s not what a good drink should induce. That’s not what anything should induce. If prohibition stopped drinks like this being made, then where do I sign up. Me and Steve Buschemi could make a mint selling this at five dollars a sip, and actually buy something that’s nice to drink. Maybe a nice cosmopolitan. Yeah. Something with real flavour. And it’s pink too!