I want to work in advertising. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that yet, but if any one reads this and fancies giving me a placement to, you know, make tea and bake cakes or something, then go right ahead! I want to work in advertising mainly because it’s a creative industry. I’ve spent about half of my life being ‘creative’ if you count GCSEs, college courses, foundation course, degrees, part-time course, and of course dossing about with a camera, pen and paper, and a whole heap of Adobe programs.
I’ve always enjoyed doing it, and having a job doing something that you love is the aim right? Isn’t that what most people want in life? A good job, a loving family, and somewhere to lay your head down? I think I see a job in advertising as ‘Step One’ on my ‘Have A Boss Life‘ plan. I’m a clever guy, I can do my research, I’ve got enough banter to fool people into thinking I like football, and most of all I can actually use my brain to think of ideas (At least I think I can. I’ll showcase those at another time). Ideas that aren’t stupid, actually manage to be entertaining, witty, and are definitely better than the following pieces of, wait for it, Badvertising.
Part 1 –
Andrex Toilet Tissue – The CGI Puppy
How on God’s green earth could they replace a cute, cuddly, puppy, with an anthropomorphic, computer generated, mess. How does that work as a pitch? Here’s how it must have gone down;
Get this guys. There’s this boy puppy, and a girl puppy, but they’re not puppies, they’re like humans, but still dogs! They can walk around, and they live in houses, and instead of the world being populated by humans, it’s populated by dogs. We can have a British Bulldog driving a black cab, you know ’cause he’s British!
Wow, that’s some forward thinking, but how does that sell toilet paper?
Wow, well we didn’t think that far, but how about this. Girl dog is coming back from holiday, and boy dog is rushing around making the house look tidy for her! He’s baking her a cake, buying some flowers, and all the while girl dog is rushing home to see him!
Alright, romance. I like it so far, but I still don’t see the toilet paper sell any where.
WAIT. I’ve got it, how about he buys her some andrex toilet paper, because she’ll need something lovely and soft to wipe her sore, jetlagged bottom on.
Okay. She’s a dog, she shits on the floor, and licks her arse clean.
Not in this universe Steve, remember she’s a human-dog. And we’ll close off the ad, with the tagline “It’s the little things”, because he’s only gone and bought her favourite bum wipes! She’ll give him a present too. Something like a bone, or a frisbee!
Oh yeah! I forgot about that…. I love it! You two are fucking geniuses. Howard, you’ve done it again! (Cue Happy Days End Credits Music)
Seriously though, why did they replace the original puppy with that CGI mess? How can anyone warm to it? Its not real. You don’t want to give it a cuddle, and you certainly don’t associate it with a roll of toilet paper. Then again, why did we associate the original dog with toilet paper? Probably because it was cute as a button, and always fucked up with toilet paper. It didn’t matter though, because you would look into it’s sad puppy dog eyes and melt a little inside. Then want to give it a cuddle, and feed the damn thing so it got even cuddlier(read fatter)
Back to the cgi thing. I can’t even crack a joke about how it would be nice to wipe your arse with the thing. In fact, you’d probably slice your naughty bits to pieces on all of the pixels. More importantly, why is the damn thing married? Puppies are technically children right? We’re obviously looking at a forced
marriage. One that was probably for a green card, or for the money, maybe even a child. There’s no love there, and the creatives should be ashamed of themselves! Sure he bought the girl some toilet paper, but I bet it was forced. Those sick bastards. You see, advertising can go wrong, and when it does, it’s awful. I’m ashamed, for having to watch it, and for the creatives who got paid for doing it. Sure, this has passed through many creatives, creative directors, and then onto the client and they’ve payed for it, with real money!
More fool them I suppose, or more fool me for thinking the advertisement is shit. I didn’t get paid for it, but they sure did. Not really one to put in the portfolio though. Hey, remember the cute loveable puppy? I got rid of him and replaced him with a cold, unloveable, pile of jagged pixels. Happy Wiping!
I can’t end a post on a negative, so here’s an out take video featuring the original puppy. Think about how soft he would be to stroke, cuddle, and well, rub against your unforgiving bumhole.